An Interview with Myself

SUNDAY, JULY 26, 2015

I’d like to say that my GI Journey is complete, but alas, it ain’t. Shortly after the removal of two, granted unnecessary, organs, I started getting sick again. And since then there have been a lot of questions… by me… my family… friends… so on…  I thought I’d do a little interview with myself to answer them. Some questions you’ll know the answer to. Some you won’t. Some you won’t care about. But in my head, these are the things that people have been either outright asking me or have been wondering in their own minds. I may get gross. Deal with it. Or don’t. Either way…

Q: You say you throw up, like, “all the time”. Daily. Sometimes multiple times a day. And since May of 2014. If so, then why aren’t you rail thin and on a feeding tube?

A: I don’t know. And I maybe do know. I don’t know because I, like you, find it odd that I don’t weigh 80 pounds. I do, in fact, throw up daily. But here’s the kicker. I don’t always throw up food. Sometimes I just retch. Sometimes I throw up only a small part of what I ate. Sometimes it’s the whole shebang. This is the only reason I can think of for my lack of a dramatic weight loss.

Q: What’s the best thing to throw up?

A: Bacon. Hands down. It is the same salty goodness coming up as it is going down. It really is true that everything is better with bacon.

Q: What is the worst thing to throw up?

A: There are different levels to this answer, based on various categories. There are things that just outright taste like garbage coming back up. (chips, salsa and a strawberry margarita) There is also the terrible texture element. Things that cause some physical pain as they export the esophagus. (popcorn) Some things burn and are unnatural tasting. (Ensure. Ever chew a pill you weren’t supposed to? Or let an aspirin sit on your tongue a bit too long? That’s the taste of Ensure on the rebound.) But the all time worst thing ever, in my humble opinion? Anything dairy based. Instant rotten milk. It’s a nightmare.

Q: Where’s the worst place to throw up in public?

A: Oh… so many to choose from! Really, any public place sucks, because it is embarrassing as hell. I assume everyone who has ever heard me thinks I’m hung over. Unless I’m at a restaurant, then I assume everyone thinks I’m bulimic. But probably the hands down worst place was the Elyria Walmart. It’s a friggin Walmart, for crying out loud. That was my rock bottom. (Sidenote: I threw up at The Memorial Golf Tournament at Muirfield Village Golf Club this summer. Air conditioned port-a-jons. Pretty classy!)

Q: You sure do talk about barf a lot. Don’t you think it’s kind of gross and inappropriate?

A: No. It’s been my life for over a year. My world revolves around knowing where the closest bathroom is. Knowing when the teachers have their lunch breaks so I don’t use the lounge at that time. Worrying about the health of my esophagus, tooth enamel, whether there is back splash on my tank top. So no. I make a joke out of it. And I laugh at it. Because if I didn’t, what is the alternative?

Q: You are really pretty.

A: Why, thank you.

Q: OK, so what now? Where do you stand?

A: I have been diagnosed with MALS (median arcuate ligament syndrome). I had a Celiac Plexus Block done just about a week ago that is supposed to help solve my problem, and much to my delight, I have only been sick one time since the procedure. If it continues to work, I will speak with a surgeon about fixing the problem *permanently*.

Q: Last one for now. We always want to leave our readers wanting more. What has been your lowest point and what has been your highest?

A: Lowest, by the sum of one gazillion, is shitting myself… alone… at the Cleveland Clinic after one of my tests. But now, months later mind you, it’s also one of the funniest. My highest point? That happens daily. It happens when I wake up every day and live my life as if I don’t throw up all the time. It happens when I do a Color Run 5K with my kids or go on vacation with my friends and family. It happens when I write a blog post and laugh at myself and share things with people that are happening to me. I just keep going. And that keeps me high.